12 weeks ago today my world changed in a way I really wasn’t prepared for…
Just 12 days before my life had forever changed when I adopted my son Grayson. Whose name was chosen because by the merciful “grace of God” I had been granted the son I had so longed for and prayed for… Grayson ❤️. The name he goes by is actually his middle name and his first name is Charles. The first few days of his life he spent in the wonderful care of nurses at the hospital who called him “Charlie Love” rather than his legal name “Boy”. I always loved that they called him something more as he so rightfully deserved. His traumatic first few days as he came off the drugs in his system and was left by his bio-mom to survive this brave new world alone meant he needed love and I have no doubt those ladies showed him lots!
We started our forever life and our family and friends asked me “What’s next?” and “will you keep fostering?”. In my mind and heart, I knew our fostering journey was not complete, but I felt the road ahead with Grayson was going to be a bit rough as he was clearly not developing as hoped and the therapy was going to increase and he would need lots of individual love and attention to continue to help him strive to reach his full potential and be healthy. In my mind I thought maybe next year after he is 18 months I will consider opening up my home again in hopes to find a little girl to complete our little family.
I remained on the list for short term emergency help but had given my caseworker notice that I probably wasn’t interested in any long term placements. Despite that, the need for homes for foster children always outnumbers the available placement homes so I continued to get calls just in case I might be willing. I was asked just a week after the adoption about a 4 month old baby girl whom I did not accept. I also had been in discussion about taking a teen mom who was pregnant and due in early June to help her raise the child. None of those worked out and I honestly was pretty comfortable with that as I knew I had enough to handle with Grayson and my heart was so full just loving in him.
On Tuesday June 6th, I was an hour from home working at the Children’s Hospital trailer complex building IKEA furniture to prepare for our huge move in to the space the next day. I had designed and coordinated the furniture order for this trailer complex where about 40 people were planning to build out and move into the next day. I saw a cal on my phone from my caseworker, who asked me how things were going with Grayson post adoption. I wasn’t expecting to hear from her as we were now officially done and did not have to be monitored anymore. She proceeded to tell me that she knew it was a long stretch but she was trying to find a placement for a baby girl being released from the hospital in just hours and they had no place for her to go. My heart sank for this poor baby girl and while I knew the timing couldn’t be worse and I was crazy to even consider it, I told her to give me five minutes and let me make a few calls. I had literally just said no to multiple other babies just days before, but my gut said you can’t say no even though this seems more than you can handle. I called my friend that lives with me and said I know I am crazy but I feel God calling me to say yes and I have no idea why! All practical sense tells me to say no. She encouraged me to follow my heart and God’s calling and say yes… we will figure it out!
And so I did…. it wasn’t as simple as that exactly with all things foster care but about 5 hours later a baby girl arrived at my front door. I had no baby girl clothes to fit her nor diapers, but I had arms to hold her and knew we would just figure it out.
To look back now it feels like forever ago and I can’t believe it’s only been a couple of months. It was stressful and restless much of the time as I tried to juggle work, daycare for Grayson and transporting Zoe to various friends houses until she could be in daycare. If friends wanted to see me, they pretty much had to come to me. I think in 12 weeks I have only gone shopping with the two kids maybe 3 times. It was a huge game changer to go from one to two kids less than a year apart as a single mom… and my heart and mind had really not prepared for it. We just dived in blindfolded and fought through the tough times day by day.
There were times I questioned whether I could really do it… could I give them what they needed?? God made it clear that this baby girl was right where she was intended to be and no matter what I could do this. The strict foster care rules that as a single mom are literally ridiculous got amazing not less strict that first week of her placement… who would have thought?! Without the rule changes, only one of my friends who is certified for respite could have watched my baby girl.
The story behind this Baby Girl and who she is… is what makes me have no doubt that God put that calling in my heart to say yes and blessed our family with her. That said, it’s been the most scary and complicated placement I have had to date. I’ve been quiet with posts not only because it’s really hard to find time but it’s also hard to know what to say. It’s the first time as a foster mom that I have feared for my own safety and that of my son. It’s complicated and messy and so unusual circumstances that the team of people assigned to it have never encountered it before. It’s the first time I have called attorneys about representing me. The road ahead is long and without a doubt will be complicated and most likely a fight. But I know without a doubt this little girl is worth the fight and worth the risks to make sure she is safe and has a family where she will be loved. I don’t know where our journey will take us, but we are trying to focus on the now and love every second with her.
Tomorrow is a big and risky day in court for her future. We unfortunately can’t be there as our beach vacation was planned long before she made her debut in this world. God placed her with us for very clear reasons and so I am trusting him with her case tomorrow knowing that she will stay with us as long as he plans for her to.
As my two little love bugs nap on me and beside me I am filled with so much love and gratitude. It’s been a long and stressful few months and we have finally reached a place where we hope to relax and be with family and friends to soak up some sun and just bond as a family.