This is a post that’s been a long time coming but a challenging one to write. One of my greatest fears in signing up to be a foster parent was the “bio-mom”…. the first meeting, the ongoing relationship… every aspect. I knew my relationship with the parents of my children would be one of the most challenging yet possibly rewarding aspects of the journey. The training prepares you for the worst…. and you can tell from some of the long time foster parents that you have the opportunity to hear from that it is not always possible to have a relationship nor safe.
That said, I have been SO blessed in this aspect thus far. I haven’t really shared much due to the sensitivity of the topic, but after meeting two of the mommies and daddies of my children I can say that I am absolutely grateful for the experience and better for it.
You wonder whether they will like you or see you as the enemy. For the record, I have absolutely no say in regards to whether or not or when the child leaves my home to return home or to kinship. I am very likely one of the only people involved in the case that has no obligation to make a judgement about the parents or their ability to raise the child. But that doesn’t mean the parents understand that, especially in the first hours or days of the child being removed and placed into my care.
Given all the unknowns and risks, my fears of “meeting the parents” are real and will likely always exist with each child(ren).
I actually never met the parents or kinship of my first two kiddos (Big A and Lil A). From what I understood about them, I knew we were quite different in many aspects. I am guessing we would not have been friends or have likely crossed paths in life. On that first night when these two scared children arrived at my home at 11pm (and I was just as scared with it being my first placement), they were dirty and clearly tired. Unfortunately the dirtiness and odor were strong enough that I choose to try to bath them before putting them into bed. As I undressed the little girl for the bath, I found multiple silver cross necklaces around her neck. At first instinct, I was fearful of the choking hazard the child had on her neck at only 18 months. But after a moment, I felt a comfort in those crosses. Her parents and I very clearly had little in common…. but this was a sign we shared a belief in God. That I could hold onto and would remember when times were tough with these two little ones.
The second placement that I had was quite different from the first and supposedly an anomaly case to the veteran caseworker for the child. Baby C was placed into my care the day before his mommy turned 18…. it broke my heart. I couldn’t imagine how she felt and from what I understood that day in court was tumultuous. The next week I was asked to bring him to the department for a visitation with his parents. My previous placement only had one visit in which a caseworker actually transported the kids, so this was a first and I was only given the instruction to show up 5 minutes early. Great! Would I run into the parents?? Was I supposed to meet them? Where was I even going? So many questions and so little guidance…. which I have learned is totally normal!
The one thing I had been able to ask his caseworker was “Is it acceptable to bring her a little gift for her birthday from Baby C?” I really didn’t know what was proper in this case or if I was even allowed to give her anything. His caseworker said it was a wonderful idea, so I felt comforted that I could offer something as an icebreaker to show her I knew how difficult it must have been on her birthday this year.
I was literally shaky as I pushed this precious little boy into the building. I used my pram stroller in hopes to keep his identity hidden as best I could since I had no idea what I was walking into. To my surprise on the elevator ride up, a beautiful young woman extended her arm out and said “Hi, I am his mom!” I was completely caught off guard both by the shock that his mom and dad were right beside me and also by her sweetness.
When we reached the department lobby and she had a chance to hold her little man, I extended the gift bag to her as a gift from little Baby C who was sad he missed her birthday. As she opened the gift to find the photograph I had taken of the little guy framed for her she broke into tears. What came next probably shocked me the most. As I told her that I was so sorry he hadn’t been with her that day and knew it must have been so tough, she wrapped her arms around me and hug me as she cried. It wasn’t just a “need to be polite” hug… she held on for almost a minute and expressed her gratitude. I felt so thankful that God had provided us this moment to connect and break through the barriers that could have driven us apart. I was able to meet the rest of her family that day to help them (I hope) feel slightly more comfortable at least knowing who was taking care of Baby C. I seriously don’t think I could have asked for a better first encounter with a parent as a foster mom.
We were able to proceed from there to a joint doctors appointment the next day with just the four of us (parents, baby and me). It was a very short placement, but our connection allowed me to personally deliver Baby C to his grandparents and great grandparents once they were approved as kin providers. I was truly grateful to at least know who was caring for him and where he was going, which was not the case as my first two pulled out of my driveway with no understanding of their future.
Baby L had been with me for only a few weeks when Mother’s Day came. It was my first Mother’s Day as a foster mom. While I felt so blessed on this day to be foster mom to this cute and so loved little boy, my heart was breaking for his mom who didn’t even want to acknowledge the day. As a foster mom, I think Mother’s Day is one of the toughest days… at least for a single foster mom. How am I supposed to celebrate that I am a mom on this day when it is only due to another mom not being allowed to take care of her child?
Baby L is my third and current placement which has been the longest and most rewarding relationship with his parents. We too are very different in many ways… but we share a love for Baby L. We text regularly so I can share photos of the little guy and when possible I can encourage his parents. The foster care system is frustrating, PERIOD. His mom and I can easily relate on that, but I can help her know that while frustrating they truly mean the well and are trying to focus on the best interest of her child.
Just last night, 5 women (6 including me) sat in my living room for 2 hours discussing the future of this precious little man while he played and flirted…. and begged me for more and more food since he is not shy about food 🙂 I expected 3 women to come for our monthly home visit to check on him, so I was quite surprised when 5 showed up. Usually the visits only last an hour, so 2 hours was LONG. Often times I am frustrated with the long days I spend in the car to make visitations happen and balance my work. I am frustrated with the lack of communication about the future. I had honestly been waiting for the last few weeks for the notice that he was transitioning home, but no updates were provided. While I was disappointed for his parents when I heard he would not be going home as soon as they had hoped, I was also comforted in meeting and hearing these women talk so in-depth about this little guy. Most of which are also mommies who were taking time after hours to be at my home (due to my work schedule) to focus on Baby L which was taking away from time with their own families. I had the opportunity to ask his caseworker how many cases she was overseeing at the moment and I can tell you it was twice what I thought would be reasonable!
Being a foster mom requires acceptance of very frustrating situations and lack of communication. Without a faith in some higher power, I think this would be an almost unmanageable position to be in for me at times. It takes patience beyond what I feel I have sometimes. It makes me and those who support me angry some days. But nights like last night and the encounters/relationships with the parents and children make it worth the hard times. I have to find empathy for every person involved in these cases. I only see and know so little, so I am forced to trust God and focus on the precious little souls. I hold onto the common aspects that I can find between myself and the parents, even if all I can find is the love we both share for the child…. that is enough. I remind myself when I have submitted the paperwork for approval 3X to the caseworkers that they are over-extended at a job I am sure doesn’t pay well nor provides them the ability to make many decisions without consensus or approval (it is the government!).
Yes, the challenge and the fears are very real, but if you can find the good in every person and each day it is SO worth the journey. It is my greatest adventure and I can’t imagine my life without this experience. I know that all my relationships with the parents of my children will not be as blessed, but I hope these will remain dear to my heart and keep me from being jaded and too scared to take the risk of opening my heart to at least try to connect with each. Without a connection, the chances are greater that each child will leave my home and I will never see them grow up or ever hear about them again…. Which truly is HARD and worth finding the strength to try to prevent.
